Biblical Counseling Insights

Everyone Wanting Their Own Way

helmut — Thu, 15 Dec 2011 20:56:52 +0000

Jon was 14, a handsome, tough young man. A likable guy, he noticed the pictures on the wall of my office and asked what it took to graduate from the college I’d attended. Someday he wanted to be a professional man, he said. I found out that he liked sports, reading, and church, and had lots of friends.

But when it came to talking about his folks, his eyes became slits, his lips pressed into a line, and his voice raised a couple of levels as he shrilled, “I hate them!”’

Jon’s parents had visited me earlier. They were concerned because there was constant friction between them and Jon. When he cleaned his room, he never did a thorough job. If they asked him to cut the grass, it would take four days. The previous Sunday, he had refused to wear his best pants to church, and instead he wore jeans.

Jon’s insubordination made his parents furious, they admitted. Jon got furious in return, and usually he wouldn’t do what he was told until they threatened to punish him.

“Why do you hate your folks?”’ I asked Jon.

He seemed to know the reason very well.

“’They want me to jump whenever they say. If I go out and come in five minutes late, one of them is waiting with an angry sermon. I’m not supposed to fight with my brother, but they fight with each other. Dad works late a lot and never lets Mom know. She gets mad and we eat without him.

“’Dad throws his clothes around, and Mom picks up after him, but she makes me hang up my clothes. The back door needed the handle fixed all summer, and Dad hasn’t fixed it yet. But I’m supposed to do everything right now. My mom will sometimes tell me I can go out, and Dad comes home and tells me I can’t.”

If Jon’s story was true, it was a picture of each one in the family for himself. Mom wanted her way, Dad his, and Jon his. Jon got jumped on constantly for following the same pattern as his folks followed.

When I told Jon’s parents about his explanation of the home situation, they were furious and embarrassed. Eventually, they came around to recognizing it as the truth.

What was needed in this family is described beautifully in Colossians 3:13, “Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.”

Jon’s folks began to see their problem as a family civil war–with each side wanting to win. The parents proceeded, repentantly, to straighten out the disagreements between themselves, asking God to give them a loving spirit toward each other. They are on the road to a solution, but Jon may be as bad off as ever.

“I’ll change if they do,” he says stubbornly. He still needs to apply Colossians 3:13 to his own life. And his hate is a sin before God. With God’s standard and his parents’ good example before him, Jon has no excuse whatsoever; but he needs to make the decision himself.

The names and certain details in this true case history have been changed to protect each person’s identity and privacy.

Expect Respect from Your Children

ddunn — Fri, 09 Apr 2010 22:50:39 +0000

The foundation upon which you’re going to build an effective family life is this: You expect your children to honor you. Now how does that happen? That happens when you and your partner sit down and develop guidelines, limits, and rules that both of you are prepared to carry out, and in your considered judgment, are in the best interests of your children.

Many of us, by the time we do our job, look at our recreational opportunities, and carry out our social opportunities, consequently find that we are too played out to spend quality time in the raising of our children. Let me say to you that if you want to give your children a sense of sure footedness, then you ought to accept the task of deciding what’s best for them. You are the one who has the experience to realistically decide what is best. There isn’t anybody in the world better qualified to decide what’s best for children than their parents, provided you’ve paid attention to what your children need.

Children without boundaries will become frustrated and live with a sense of insecurity because they are left to chart their own course. According to Proverbs 22:6, parents are to “train up a child in the way he should go.” Where a child goes and what a child does should be your decision, not theirs. You know what is best for them. They may buck you, but stand firm. Remember, it is not your responsibility to keep them happy, but to guide them in their behavior.

Agreement and unity are the foundation upon which you’re going to build an effective family life. You’re not concerned about whether your children like it. The important thing is that the two people in the world most qualified to make that decision are agreed that what you have decided is best for your children, because you both have the best interests of your children at heart.

Once you’ve decided what the plan is going to be, then the two of you can work together the rest of the time seeing to it that it’s carried out. You’ll make changes along the way, reviewing the day or the week and reviewing the rules. It may seem a big undertaking, but there’s nothing that will give you more satisfaction than you both charting the course for your family together.

Take a step . . .
Take a few moments to evaluate the way you discipline your children. Are you and your spouse on the same page? What can you do to approach the discipline of your children in the same way? What is one step you need to take to begin to guide your children in a more deliberate way? Ask God to help you take that step.

This is a summary from Dr. Brandt’s message Discipline That Counts.

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Parents with Power

ddunn — Wed, 30 Sep 2009 17:48:04 +0000

Do you ever wish you could make someone do the right thing? Parents often watch their children make bad decisions and feel powerless to do anything about it. Unfortunately, many just give in and put a “band-aid” on a situation by giving money instead of time, ignoring a situation instead of disciplining, or trying to be their child’s friend instead of their parent. The best way to love your child is to care enough to correct them when they need it.

God, who is the perfect Father, gives us His thoughts on correction and discipline in the following verses:

The Lord disciplines those he loves, as a father the son he delights in (Proverbs 3:12).

Discipline your son, and he will give you peace; he will bring delight to your soul (Proverbs 29:17).

The rod of correction imparts wisdom, but a child left to himself disgraces his mother (Proverbs 29:15).

You can’t change your child’s heart, but you can correct their behavior. If you love your children, you need to do what is necessary to enforce righteousness. If you know your child is headed in the wrong direction, do something about it.

Don’t be afraid they will run away and you will lose them. If they are in rebellion, you have already lost them. Go after them and get them back. Don’t try to make your children happy; it’s God job to be their joy. Your home is a training ground and you should be the one doing the training. In too many homes the children are training their parents by having a good attitude if they get their way, and a bad attitude if they don’t. Correct your child with firm, loving discipline–not abuse.

Look to God for the fruit of the Spirit and find your peace and joy in him and not in your children. Then you will be a parent with power!

When you do this, you will teach your children to look to God to be the source of peace and joy in their lives. God wants the best for us and knows that sin hurts us. Keep your heart clean by confessing to God and being a righteous parent. Be a role model by confessing to your children. Ask for forgiveness when you “blow it” with them. It will open the doors of communication in your relationship and will teach them to confess to God and you later on. Never underestimate the power of God when someone wants to be restored and renewed. When God gets involved, it’s a real transformation!

If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. (1 John 1:9)

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