Biblical Counseling Insights

Competing Spouses

mary — Thu, 22 Mar 2012 15:00:24 +0000

When the Dolans, a Christian couple, came to see me, they had not spoken to each other for several weeks. The tension had become unbearable.

The issue was over dancing in gym class. Hal Dolan had said flatly that their son should not participate.

Melissa Dolan had agreed in front of her husband, but privately gave their son permission to participate. Hal found out about it through a conversation with a neighbor who had visited the gym class.

That night at dinner Mr. Dolan asked his son Dave, “What do you do during gym class?”

”I study in the library” he lied. Then Mr. Dolan told them what he had heard. There was a bitter fight that night. Hal ordered Dave to obey him. Dave refused. His mother backed Dave.

Mr. Dolan threatened to leave and Melissa told him to go. His bluff was called. He didn’t leave, but they hadn’t spoken since.

It was impossible to talk to them together. One contradicted the other. After many sessions, it became clear that this incident was only the last straw. Across the years they had clashed over many issues.

The Dolans were competitors, opponents. I referred them to a Biblical principle: “I appeal to you, brothers, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that you agree with one another so that there may be no divisions among you and that you may be perfectly united in mind and thought” (1 Corinthians 1:10).

This was inconceivable to them. Even though they went to church regularly they never really took the Bible seriously, and they seldom consulted it. Mr. Dolan perceived his role as head of the house to mean that he should give the orders without consulting his wife. To consider her opinion meant that he was weak. To her, it was important that she stick up for her rights, or she would lose her identity.

”What you are really saying,” I told them separately, “is that you must have your own way.” Both had the personal problem of selfishness. The issue over folk dancing only brought their problem to a head.

After many counseling sessions together, there was finally a confession to the Lord of selfishness and a plea to Him for help in getting on the same team. With a new spirit of oneness between them, the Dolans are now working out a mutually agreeable and satisfactory life together.

The names and certain details in this true case history have been changed to protect each person’s identity and privacy.

Like-Minded Marriage

ddunn — Tue, 04 May 2010 05:09:23 +0000

Are you experiencing difficulty in your marriage relationship? Are there times when you just can’t seem to get on the same page with your spouse?

People say in their marriage vows: “I will love you and comfort you and keep you in sickness and in health. Forsaking all others, keep unto you as long as we both shall live. Take you for better or worse, richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish until death do us part.”

We dutifully tell each other that. But unless we bring the fruit of the Spirit into our marriage, these vows are impossible to keep.

If you get married with the idea that the person you’re marrying is going to transform your life – turn you into a loving kindly, gentle, cheerful, happy person – you’re mistaken. Marriage is first of all a matter of your spirit, and marriage will reveal what kind of spirit is in your heart.

Philippians 2:1 gives us some practical advice for marriage. “If then there is any encouragement in Christ, any consolation from love, any sharing in the Spirit, any compassion and sympathy ….” The interaction we have with our spouse comes from God, not from what’s happening around us.

Does this describe you? Is Christ living in you, helping you to love your spouse, or are you trying in your own strength to make the relationship work?

Verse 2 of the same chapter in Philippians tells us, “Make my joy complete: be of the same mind.” Many times we are unable to move on to verse 2 because of the condition of our own hearts. That may be why you are having trouble with your marriage.

The choices you make in your hours together will determine what kind of a relationship you are going to have with each other. The condition of your relationship will reveal the condition of your heart. According to Philippians 1:2 your goal in marriage is this: “Make my joy complete: be of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind.” You need to work at being of the same mind!

To do that Philippians 2:3 instructs you to “Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit.” Selfish ambition – pretty strong words! Are you looking out for yourself or for your spouse?

For every two couples getting married, there’s one couple ending up in divorce court. Why? Because to have your own way is more important than the marriage. Being “like-minded” is a command of God, a basic fundamental requirement of any two people that have to work together. Being ‘like-minded” is tough – the circumstances of our lives are always changing, but the commitment to be “like-minded” can help you navigate the difficult places in your marriage.

Take a step . . .
Ask God to bring to your mind one way you can reach out to your spouse in an unselfish way. Then make yourself do that thing!

This is a summary from Dr. Brandt’s manuscript Marriage God ‘s Way.

Escaping Difficult Situations

ddunn — Thu, 18 Mar 2010 20:59:28 +0000

“Love, joy, and peace would be ours if only we could get off this island.” These were the words of a couple who found themselves in a frustrating situation.

You might identify with this couple’s statement because you’re feeling, “If I could only get out of the situation I’m in, that would do it for me. I could be happy. I could do the Lord’s work. I could love other people.”

But the truth of the matter is: God is with us in every situation, and He is with us right where we are! What we need to discover is how to respond appropriately to our current circumstances. You can either have a wonderful time underneath your skin, or a miserable time underneath your skin, and it’s all up to you. The question is: Do you want to experience true peace, or are you more content with being angry, with bearing a grudge, with complaining, with being cranky? The answer to that question requires some personal reflection!

Jesus has offered us a solution to responding to our difficult situations! In Matthew 11:28, He calls us to “Come unto me all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn of Me. I am gentle and humble in My heart, and you will find rest for your soul.”

“Come unto Me . . .” Not come with me to the golf course or the gym. Not come and engage with me in a class or some form of recreation. Not “just get busy” with me as we take on planning a party, or a trip or a church event. “Come unto Me!” True contentment and peace is found in HIM!

John 14:27 tells us, “Peace I leave with you. My peace I give unto you. Not as the world gives.” “Not as the world gives” is an important point. There are two kinds of peace: the world’s kind and the Lord’s kind. And it’s important to know the difference between the two. The world’s kind of peace offers exercise and all kinds of facilities where you can work off your tensions and find relaxation. To get your mind off yourself, there are books, radio, TV, and hobbies. And there are fun things to occupy your time, as well as all kinds of relaxation courses and exercises. All these “outlets” can keep you occupied for years, but they ultimately only offer the world’s peace.

The Lord’s kind of peace is a peace that gets into your soul. In John 16:33, Jesus says “These things have I spoken unto you that IN ME you should have peace. In the world you’ll have trouble, but I have overcome the world” [emphasis added]. Jesus is talking about an untroubled heart in a troubled world. Isn’t that what you’re looking for?

God is just waiting to give you that peace. He’s waiting for you to ask Him to give you that peace, to open up your life to Him. Allow Him to change you, and challenge you, and transform your inner reactions to life’s situations.

Read Matthew 11:28, John 14:27, and John 16:33.

Take a step . . .

Find a little time to evaluate your reactions to your current situations.

What is keeping you from experiencing God’s love, joy, and peace?

Are you willing to yield yourself to the Lord?

Are you willing to release the emotions to Him that are affecting your life in a negative way?

Do you truly desire His peace?

Ask God to fill you with His peace and to show you how you can change.

[This is a summary of Dr. Brandt’s transcript, Natural Inner Reactions. Click here to listen to the audio or read the transcript.]

Choose the Right Response

ddunn — Mon, 15 Mar 2010 20:26:29 +0000

Are you troubled by things you’ve done, by what you’ve said to people, or by what people have said to you? Are your words typically supportive, or do you find yourself often critical, caustic or hostile?

Colossians 3:17 says “Whatever you do in word or deed, do all in the Name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks unto God and the Father by Him.” (KJV)

When you speak or act in a way that you know in your heart to be wrong, you pay with your emotions. You chip away at your own self-respect. But one of the most important principles that you can apply to your life is that your mental health is in your control. YOU are the one who must CHOOSE how to respond to individuals and situations in your life that are less than perfect.

You might say, “If only this person would change, then all these wonderfully warm friendly qualities would be released in me.” Not so. Nobody can cause you to be angry, stubborn, immovable, inflexible, and easily irritable. Your behavior is determined by your spirit, and your spirit involves you and God. It’s a unique relationship. It has nothing to do with anyone else.

Romans 13:1-2 says “Let every soul be subject unto the higher powers for there is no power but of God and the powers that are ordained of God. Whosoever therefore resists the power resists the ordinance of God, and they that resist shall receive unto themselves damnation” (KJV). The NIV puts it in a gentler way: “will bring judgment on themselves.” You see, your behavior makes a difference to you.

Don’t allow yourself to drift away from allowing the Lord to fill your heart with His Spirit day by day. Nobody can stop you from calling on God to fill you with His love, joy, peace, gentleness, kindness, and patience. Do what you’re doing and saying in His Name, as though He were right there with you. Let Him help you feel the relief of walking through life with a thankful spirit.

Philippians 2:2-4 tells us to “let nothing be done through strife or vain glory; but in lowliness of mind let each esteem the other better than themselves” (KJV).

Becoming preoccupied with the negative qualities of anyone or anything in your life causes you to lose sight of good things. The Creator of the universe laid down His life for you. He has chosen to put the emphasis on your spiritual life. He has chosen to give you of His Spirit, and to make your burden light. He gives you the ability to honor him in all that you do and say.

Take a step . . .
Are you presently holding on to a heavy burden? Open your heart to God’s Spirit and let Him fill your life with joy, peace, love, kindness, and gentleness. Take a moment to pray this prayer:

Lord, help me to be conscious of the fact that You have something to say about the way I interact with people and situations in my life. Help me to be more aware of my response to the tasks that are given to me and how I interact with people. Today I choose to commit what I do and say to You, looking to You for that spirit of joy that you died to give me, doing it in Your Name. Help me to remember I do this with You by my side. In Jesus Name, I pray. Amen.

Read Colossians 3:17, Romans 13:1-2, and Philippians 2:2-4.

This is a summary of Dr. Brandt’s message Biblical Behavior.

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Cooperation in Marriage

ddunn — Tue, 01 Dec 2009 05:15:36 +0000

What do you believe is the basis for building an effective relationship involving two or more people? 1 Corinthians 1:10 gives the answer. “I beseech you, brethren, by the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that ye all speak the same thing, and that there be no divisions among you; but that ye be perfectly joined together in the same mind and in the same judgment” (KJV).

That’s a picture of two people whose hearts are set on similar things, their minds work together, their plans are the same, and their objectives are the same. That’s cooperation, and that’s how marriage should work.

But the normal kind of relationship between two or more people today is competitive, not cooperative. One partner has an idea on how something should go, and the other partner has their idea on how it should go. Does that sound familiar?

This condition is described in Isaiah 53:6 as selfishness. The actual verse says, “All we like sheep have gone astray; we have turned every one to his own way.” You can’t build an effective relationship until you come to grips with this tendency of selfishness. Selfishness often happens whenever a decision has to be made between you and your partner. You don’t even have to work at it.

Talking it over, thinking there just needs to be more understanding, probably won’t work. It can just solidify your opposition to the other’s viewpoint, because the more you understand their viewpoint, the less you appreciate it. Maybe you try talking it over with friends. That too probably won’t work, for the same reason that just you and your partner talking it over didn’t work.

So when it comes to you both trying ways of coming to the right decision, and none work, you have to face the fact that you’ve hit a stalemate. You also have to face the fact that somebody has to have the last word and be the leader, or the problem won’t be solved. That’s a tough conclusion to come to, because even though you’ve tried ways to solve the dilemma, nothing has really changed. Why? You each still want your own way. You are still competing.

What is it that feeds the competition you still find yourselves involved in? It’s that selfish attitude that is still in control. Selfishness is the great hindrance to cooperation.

But you don’t need to be stuck there, in that spirit of selfishness. You just need a Savior. You need to surrender your competitive nature to God and let him give you an attitude of cooperation.

Take a step . . .

Do you want your marriage to work? Then make the choice to invite Christ into your life and into your relationship. Ask Him to fill you with a spirit of cooperation and choose daily to approach your marriage in a cooperative way.

This is a summary from Dr. Brandt’s message Restoring Harmony in Marriage.

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> Listen to dynamic audio messages by Dr. Brandt

> Experience freedom and healing from sin problems

Biblical Counseling Insights

Competing Spouses

More Articles About Marriage

Like-Minded Marriage

More Articles About Marriage

Escaping Difficult Situations

More Articles About Marriage

Choose the Right Response

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Cooperation in Marriage

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