Later that day I recalled the incident. It dawned on me that when that car swerved in front of me, I had to make a split-second decision to either walk in the Spirit or in the flesh. That I responded peacefully with a kind attitude toward that driver was a miracle. I could recall similar instances when, in a split second, I was transformed into an angry man with my heart pounding, my body alert, and a stream of nasty words tumbling out of my mouth.

We make many such split-second decisions every day. Without our noticing, other people make choices that affect us and force us into making a decision. We have no control of the incidents around us, but we do determine whether to yield to the Spirit or to the flesh.

When I note that I yield to the Spirit instead of the flesh, I do so with a sense of grateful relief. How positively wonderful it is to know that I no longer need to manage myself by myself! Now I can let God do it – per His request. Take it to the Lord in prayer; He will never leave you nor forsake you.

The Bible tells us, “For it is God who works in you both to will and to do for His good pleasure” (Philippians 2:13).

Consistent living is a matter of recognizing your own personal inability to produce the kind of spirit that you want, no matter how intense your desire. It involves receiving and yielding to the Spirit of Christ.

This story is taken from Dr. Brandt’s book, “Breaking Free From the Bondage of Sin.” The names and certain details in this true case history have been changed to protect each person’s identity and privacy.

“Wives, submit to your own husbands as to the Lord.”

There it is. One of the most fiercely debated Bible verses concerning marriage. “Why should the wife do all the submitting?” That is the hot question. But here is the greater truth: the wife is not the one who needs to do all the submitting … this verse does not stand alone.

Remember the one before it? “… submitting to one another in the fear of God” (Ephesians 5:21).

And here’s one more: “Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others” (Philippians 2:4).

So what does submission really mean? Actually, the matter of submission becomes important when opinions differ over a decision even with all the facts on the table. The only solution is to submit to the judgment of a tiebreaker.

Tom and Dennis had been friends for years. Both were computer wizards and had held executive positions. Across the years, they talked often about their work and developed respect and admiration for each other. Both had saved large sums of their huge salaries. They pooled their savings and purchased a consulting company, which provided computer training and assessment for large corporations–a dream come true.

Now these fine, experienced, Christian gentlemen could pool their knowledge. It would be great fun to work as equal partners. They had a nice, new building with an expensive conference room. Here they held their idea sessions.

Soon, they realized they had some acute problems. They differed about handling employees. They were having trouble dividing up the responsibilities, and neither knew enough about accounting.

Their fancy conference room could not solve their problems. Even friendship, knowledge, experience, and dedication were not enough to settle the differences.

Most of their problems resulted from having done things differently–and successfully–for years. Tom was used to giving instructions and expecting them to be carried out. He had been the boss. So had Dennis. Now they were partners–with brilliant, but differing ideas. It was not a matter of right or wrong.

They were able to discuss their differences. They clearly defined and understood each other’s viewpoints. But they deadlocked when it came to making decisions. Honesty, understanding, respect, knowledge, and experience did not settle the deadlocks. The theory that two friendly partners can each do their own thing was not working.

They were frustrated and irate. They even had a few shouting matches, with both of them storming angrily out of their beautiful conference room–and ultimately into a counseling office.

We agreed there were two basic problems: (1) each had turned to his own way and (2) both needed God’s love.

Sound familiar? So what should they do? First, each one of them needed to repent, asking God to forgive them individually and to fill their hearts with His love. They needed a love that is patient, does not seek its own way, is not provoked, and rejoices in the truth (as described in 1st Corinthians).

Tom and Dennis did this, but they still needed to resolve their differences. They went to an outside consultant who really dropped a bombshell: “You must choose a president who will then settle the disagreements.”

But…but…we are equal partners.

“True. However, there is just no other way to solve your disagreements. You also need outside help with your accounting.”

This was a bitter pill to swallow, but it was either follow the advice or lose the business.

After weeks of agonizing, they chose Dennis to be the president. They spent the next months dividing up responsibilities and developing policies and procedures both of them could live with.

Both men preferred managing the sales and neither one wanted advertising, purchasing, or supervising the office staff. But all the work had to be done. Here is how they distributed some of the duties:

1. Tom managed the office, personnel relations, and maintenance.

2. Dennis got sales, advertising, and engineering.

3. They divided purchasing. Tom made the purchases for the office; Dennis for external needs. Tom became technical director.

They were still equal partners, both vitally interested in all areas of the business. They consulted each other, reviewed any decisions they wished to, and participated equally in making them. Tom had the last word in the office with Dennis contributing his knowledge occasionally. In the field, Dennis made the decisions with Tom contributing his knowledge occasionally.

However, Dennis, as president, had the last word in any decision. Rarely did he overrule Tom, but it did happen occasionally. They once were deadlocked over whether to buy a new or used computer. It almost killed Dennis to overrule his knowledgeable friend, but there was no other way. They could not argue endlessly over a machine.

The business grew and prospered. Tom and Dennis enjoyed working together. They learned to know each other better and developed confidence in each other’s decision-making ability–a process that took many months.

As Tom and Dennis reviewed their rocky beginning, both admitted they were vaguely aware the question of the last word would have to be settled. They had pushed the question out of their thinking, hoping it would go away. They both wanted to be president, but their pride made it impossible for them to make the selection.

Let us switch from Tom and Dennis to your marriage.

You are equal partners making decisions in marriage. Responsibilities must be divided up. You need policies, procedures, and rules in order to work cooperatively as well as independently.

There are some mothers who could not possibly take on any additional family responsibilities. Then, there are those moms who breeze through the chores at home and are ready for something else by 10:00 a.m. every morning.

When my wife and I first started in this business of raising a family, we got together and listed all of our responsibilities. (Notice I said our responsibilities, not my wife’s responsibilities or my responsibilities). Just a few of the many we detailed were housecleaning, money management, cooking, writing, radio work, children, cleaning the yard, travel planning, running a business, raising money, and food purchasing. Then we divvied them up. My wife got money management, travel agent, housecleaning, cooking, children, food purchasing, and a bunch more. I was assigned writing, radio work, cleaning the yard, running a business, and raising money. These were assignments on the basis of training, ability, interest, and necessity.

How we met the responsibilities was not the question. The assignment was simple: these were the responsibilities each of us was to carry out. If my wife decided to add responsibilities outside the home, fine. But she would have to figure out some way to carry out the primary tasks for our family that we had agreed upon.

The same went for any other activities I took on. It was okay as long as I kept my primary family responsibilities going. Of course, the tasks kept changing as the children grew and demands on our time changed.

In all our planning and assigning, we kept one thing in mind: that plan of ours had to be a family plan. We made sure to remember that it was a Brandt plan, not Henry’s plan or Eva’s plan. It was our plan, and we had to carry out our responsibilities.

Remember, you are equal partners. You are both vitally interested in all areas of the marriage. As in a business, consult with each other and participate in making decisions and reviewing them.

The wife usually has the last word in her areas of responsibility. She is the decision maker; her husband, the resource person. In his area, the husband makes the decisions, and his wife contributes her knowledge. Mostly they work independently in their areas within mutually agreed upon guidelines.

You will enjoy working together as you know each other better and gain confidence in each other’s decision-making ability. Developing faith and trust takes many months. Forging a new way of life from your different backgrounds takes time and patience.

To illustrate how a husband and wife practice submission to one another and to the head, here are three decisions made at our house.

Once, my wife and I decided to buy a stereo. It would be a pleasant feature in our home. So we went shopping together, happily expecting to make an easy choice. We looked at one for $70 and another for $700. One of us preferred the cheaper model; the other the expensive one. We got so hung up on the decision, we tabled it until the next evening. It would be simple. The best viewpoint would win.

The next evening I let her go first. I could hardly believe her presentation. Jumbled. No logic. No substance. How could she present such a feeble point of view?

When my turn came, I was confident, thinking, “She will be impressed with my presentation.” So I gave it. It was systematic. It considered all aspects. It was logical. Funny thing, though. She did not think so. My presentation did not convince her to change her point of view. We were deadlocked!

We were facing one of those situations in marriage where everything had been said that could be said. All the facts were in. Still, we were on opposite sides.

And it will happen to you. Regardless of how dedicated or friendly you are, there will be deadlocks like this in your marriage. It is a controversial issue, but it must be settled.

Here comes the answer to how you settle a deadlock in marriage. There is only one way. The husband has the last word. He has two options: 1) make the decision himself, or 2) ask his wife to make it.

I settled the stereo deadlock by making the decision on which model we bought.

It was a grave, serious moment when Eva and I were deadlocked. She was as committed to this marriage as I. She and I both wanted the best for the marriage. This was not the time to be selfish or ignore her judgment. It took a few days to ponder the issues, but the responsibility for making the decision was mine. Soon, we were past the decision and enjoyed years of pleasant listening.

Here’s another decision we had to make.

We were moving into a new home and had to decide the layout and decor of the kitchen. We both agreed that I knew nothing about kitchens. Eva had been around them at least thirty-five years, and besides, she was the one who would use it.

Who do you think should have carried the ball on kitchen decisions? The answer was obvious–Eva! That is how it was. There was no deadlock or even any question. It was obvious she would have the final say. We had many discussions about how to do it, but in this case, she was the decision maker and had the last word. After all, she was the expert and the expert should make the decisions.

Here’s a time when we compromised after many discussions. The children even tossed in their opinions this time. It had to do with buying a new couch. The one we had was an unsightly piece of furniture, really broken down.

Although we had little money to spare, we did have just enough for a new couch. Eva and I were ready to buy one when a complication arose. School let out for the year and the children, who ranged in age from ten to fourteen, wanted to accompany me on a speaking trip a month later to Boston.

Only one catch. We did not have enough money to go to Boston as a family and still buy a couch. It was one or the other. Which to do? We batted it around for a few weeks. I discussed it with Eva. Eva discussed it with the children. I discussed it with the children. We all discussed it together at meals.

Either way, the family would have to do without something. A couch or a trip. It was a tough decision. I found myself on both sides of the question. So did Eva and the children. We kept tabling the matter. Finally, there were only a few days left before we would have to leave on the trip.

One point kept coming up in all the discussions.

“Dad, I sort of like our couch even though it is all beat up,” one of the children would invariably say.

And it was true. Even the gang from church seemed to enjoy the old couch. They would come in and throw their bodies into its beat-up frame without any reservation or worry of further damage.

“Well, I guess we have done OK with this couch up to this moment. Another year will not hurt us.”

With that comment, I decided to take the family with me to Boston.

We came home, happy with the trip but still facing a decrepit, old couch. During the next year, all of us at one time or another wondered if we had made the right decision.

The couch was so bad that when we replaced it a year later, we called Goodwill Industries to come and take it away. And, you know, they turned it down. We had to put it out with the trash.

Some seemingly easy decisions can become complicated. There are no clear-cut solutions. But when the decisions are made, the issues are settled. You go on from there. However the person who is leading settles the deadlock, both must submit to the decision and do all in their power to make it work.

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The mind is the most private part of your inner life. No one can know for sure what you allow to enter into it, and no one can know what goes on in your mind unless you reveal it. The longer I work with people, the more convinced I become that everyone can and does control his mind. We make our own decisions, and no one can change them. Everyone has the power of choice.

It’s important to remember that we can’t always determine someone’s inner life based upon their words or behavior. The Bible puts it clearly:

For as he thinks within himself, so he is. He says to you, ”Eat and drink!” but his head is not with you (Proverbs 23:7).

You are constantly exchanging ideas with partners, parents, relatives, friends, teachers, preachers and others. We are all familiar with the flood of ideas coming at us from the radio, TV, newspapers, books, magazines, pamphlets, movies, billboards, and advertisements.

What will you do with this mass of information that bids for your attention? Remember, it’s your attention. It’s your mind. There is no avoiding your responsibility.

You need a standard to go by. The Bible says:

”My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways My ways,” declares the Lord (Isaiah 55:8).

Since our thoughts are not His thoughts, nor our ways His ways, we need to make a conscious, deliberate effort to know Him. We must fill our head with God’s commandments in order to think straight–to develop a basis for keeping acceptable ideas and filtering out the unacceptable ones.

King David, a man after God’s own heart, said of God’s laws:

The law of the LORD is perfect, restoring the soul; the testimony of the LORD is sure, making wise the simple. The precepts of the Lord are right, rejoicing the heart; the commandment of the Lord is pure, enlightening the eyes. The fear of the LORD is clean, enduring forever; the judgments of the LORD are true; they are righteous altogether. They are more desirable than gold, yes than much fine gold (Psalm 19:7-10).

If you cry for discernment, lift your voice for understanding: lf you seek her as silver, and search for her as for hidden treasures; then you will discern the fear of the Lord, and discover the knowledge of God (Proverbs 2:3-5).

This is no simple path to follow. The management of your mind is a daily task. It involves continuous study, and no one can do it for you. Every day of your life, you are called upon to make decisions, and you must respond to decisions other people make that affect you. Some decisions facing you are how to respond to tragedy, death, or some event beyond your control.

This whole area of decision-making is a common subject in the consulting room. Most of my clients who bring up this subject are anxious about a decision to be made or are disturbed and angry over the outcome of a decision or event that has already occurred, whether my client participated in it or was only affected by it.

Following are some Bible verses that have proven useful in managing the mental activity involved in decision making:

Delight yourself in the LORD; and He will give you the desires of your heart. Commit  your way to the LORD, trust also in Him, and He will do it. And He will bring forth your righteousness as the light, and your judgment as the noonday. Rest in the LORD and wait patiently for Him; fret not yourself because of him who prospers in his way, because of the man who carries out wicked schemes (Psalm 37:4-7).

Commit your works to the LORD, and your plans will be established (Proverbs 16:3).

And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose (Romans 8:28).

The emphasis in these verses is not on the outcome of the decisions, but on the attitude of the decision maker:

• Delight yourself in the Lord.
• Commit your way to the Lord.
• Trust in Him.
• Rest in the Lord.
• Wait patiently for Him.
• Fret not yourself.
• God causes all things to work together for good for those who love Him.

There will be happy times, crisis times, even tragic times. Let me emphasize that these verses stress the attitude of the decision maker rather than evaluation of the immediate outcome of a decision or an event. It takes months or even years to see how all things work together.

The Bible verses in this chapter have been assembled with an emphasis on the management of your mind. You can choose what will linger there. You can have a depraved mind–or a wholesome mind. If you seek to please God with the use of your mind, you will be able to describe yourself as did the prophet Jeremiah:

Thus says the LORD, “Let not a wise man boast of his wisdom, and let not the mighty man boast of his might, let not a rich man boast of his riches; but let him who boasts boast of this, that he understands and knows Me, that I am the LORD who exercises lovingkindness, justice, and righteousness on earth; for I delight in these things,” declares the LORD (Jeremiah 9:23-24).

Take to heart some classic advice from the apostle Paul on the management of your mind:

Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, shall guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, let your mind dwell on these things (Philippians 4:6-8).

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This is an excerpt of chapter 8 from Dr. Brandt’s book, I Want Happiness Now!

There are a few basic principles that can help us to get past our self-centeredness.

First, we need to be committed to following Biblical principles as our guide for living. Second, we need to consciously act on our commitment. Here are two verses that give us some guidance:

Be subject to one another in the fear of Christ (Ephesians 5:21). The fear of the LORD is to hate evil; pride and arrogance and the evil way (Proverbs 8:13).

If you put these verses together, they simply mean that those who “fear Christ” are not two cringing, fearful people, but rather two individuals who want to clear away any evil, pride, or arrogance that is revealed between them and figure out a mutually agreeable way to get along.

Knowing that our hearts are deceitful, and knowing that God will search our hearts and test our minds, it is only logical to continuously submit our choices to the test. But how? The psalmist gives a clue:

Search me, O God, and know my heart; try me and know my anxious thoughts; and see if there be any hurtful way in me, and lead me in the everlasting way (Psalm 139:23-24).

James says it also:

But prove yourselves doers of the word, and not merely hearers who delude themselves. For if anyone is a hearer of the word and not a doer, he is like a man who looks at his face in a mirror; for once he has looked at himself and gone away, he has immediately forgotten what kind of person he was (James 1:22-24).

You can know your heart, if you allow the Lord to show you yourself reflected in His Word. On the basis of what you see, you can act on His instructions:

Let the wicked forsake his way, and the unrighteous man his thoughts; and let him return to the LORD, and He will have compassion on him, and to our God, for He will abundantly pardon (Isaiah 55:7).

The apostle John points the way to a carefree life:

Little children, let us not love with word or with tongue, but in deed and in truth. We shall know by this that we are of the truth, and shall assure our heart before Him, in whatever our heart condemns us: for God is greater than our heart, and knows all things. Beloved, if our heart does not condemn us, we have confidence before God; and whatever we ask we receive from Him, because we keep His commandments and do the things that are pleasing in His sight (1 John 3:18-22).

The Bible gives some guidelines for making choices:

1. Treat others as you would like to be treated.

Jesus said:

“And just as you want men to treat you, treat them in the same way” (Luke 6:31).

2. Be a leader.

The apostle Paul says:

“The things which you have learned and received and heard and seen in Me, practice these things; and the God of peace shall be with you” (Philippians 4:9).

3. Thankfully make choices as though the Lord were beside you.

The apostle Paul says:

“And whatever you do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks through Him to God the Father” (Colossians 3:17).

4. Carry out your choices heartily, and desire to please God.

Whatever you do, do your work heartily, as for the Lord rather than for men; knowing that from the Lord you will receive the reward of the inheritance. It is the Lord Christ whom you serve (Colossians 3:23-24).

All of us have no choice about many of the duties we must perform. Everyone can ask God for a hearty spirit toward the task if he wants to. How wonderful to enjoy what you are doing–to do it heartily–to do it as an act of worship!

Everyone, every day, faces a multitude of choices. Your sense of self-respect, of loving yourself, depends upon making those choices within the framework of commandments you choose to follow.

Finally, consider these words:

All Scripture is inspired by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, for training in righteousness; that the man of God may be adequate, equipped for every good work (2 Timothy 3:16-17).

This is an excerpt of chapter 5 from Dr. Brandt’s book, I Want Happiness Now!

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]]> https://biblicalcounselinginsights.com/blog/bible/help-what-should-i-do/ https://biblicalcounselinginsights.com/blog/bible/help-what-should-i-do/#respond Tue, 22 Sep 2009 16:11:54 +0000 http://biblicalcounselinginsights.com/blog/?p=119 You are in a crisis.  You need to make a decision, and fast.  The question pops into your mind from the WWJD bracelet you are wearing…what would Jesus do?  How will you know what Jesus would do when you don’t have time to go hunt for your Bible and research the issue?

When a crisis hits and you need to make a wise decision, you will need to already have God’s Word in your heart. Only then will you have a godly reservoir of information to pull from to make the right choice. Let’s call that reservoir your “vat” or your mind. You can’t pull any information out that you don’t put in. If you want to make wise, godly decisions, then you need to be filling your vat with wise, godly words and thoughts. We call that meditating on the Word of God, or memorizing scripture.

Many godly men and women from the past have said that the one thing that has helped them most in their lives was meditating and memorizing scripture. Dr. Henry Brandt states in his book, Heart of the Problem, “Even now, forty years later, I still consider Bible memorization the single most important aid in my Christian life and in my counseling.”

If you want to obey God’s guidelines in your life, then you need these guidelines in your head. Waiting until you are in a crisis is not the time to start memorizing scripture.

Start today by picking one scripture verse that has meaning to you. Write it out on a 3×5 card and carry it with you. Office supply stores have 50 3×5 cards spiral bound to keep your verses together. Look up words that you don’t understand. Discuss the verse with others. Read the verse out loud until you can say it from memory. Put it aside for a few days and see if you can still repeat it from memory. Review your cards regularly and you are on your way to having a vat that is filled with the wisdom you need to make godly decisions in a crisis!

“Blessed is the man… (whose) delight is in the law of the LORD, and on his law he meditates day and night.” (Psalm 1:1-2)

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