Later that day I recalled the incident. It dawned on me that when that car swerved in front of me, I had to make a split-second decision to either walk in the Spirit or in the flesh. That I responded peacefully with a kind attitude toward that driver was a miracle. I could recall similar instances when, in a split second, I was transformed into an angry man with my heart pounding, my body alert, and a stream of nasty words tumbling out of my mouth.

We make many such split-second decisions every day. Without our noticing, other people make choices that affect us and force us into making a decision. We have no control of the incidents around us, but we do determine whether to yield to the Spirit or to the flesh.

When I note that I yield to the Spirit instead of the flesh, I do so with a sense of grateful relief. How positively wonderful it is to know that I no longer need to manage myself by myself! Now I can let God do it – per His request. Take it to the Lord in prayer; He will never leave you nor forsake you.

The Bible tells us, “For it is God who works in you both to will and to do for His good pleasure” (Philippians 2:13).

Consistent living is a matter of recognizing your own personal inability to produce the kind of spirit that you want, no matter how intense your desire. It involves receiving and yielding to the Spirit of Christ.

This story is taken from Dr. Brandt’s book, “Breaking Free From the Bondage of Sin.” The names and certain details in this true case history have been changed to protect each person’s identity and privacy.

Embarrassing practical jokes, jibes at his youthfulness, and little grins that came to faces because he was the school’s first male music teacher—all this teasing kept up. Word got back to him some of the students and parents were saying he wouldn’t dare subject his piano-playing hands to a real man’s work.

One Friday night, he drove a busload of church kids to a weekend retreat. Three girls sitting near him began to tease him. ”What will your mother say if you get calluses on your hands?” one asked mischievously.

That did it. Fred Baker stopped the bus. In white-hot temper, he lectured the girl for five minutes in front of the other students. He ranted and raved about every injustice he felt he endured from his students. The girl just happened to be the daughter of a school-board member, so it didn’t take Fred long to realize the seriousness of what he had done.

He came to see me during the winter break. Why, he asked, had he exploded? A little more, he said, and he might have hit her.

I encouraged him to sort out his feelings toward himself as well as others. Upon some reflection, he found he had a sense of personal inadequacy. It upset him that some people looked disapprovingly at music as a way for a man to make a living, and because of it, he sometimes had doubts of his manliness. He seemed to show this uncertainty in his performance, and so people did not enjoy his music.

Along with the difficulty of accepting his life work, he was annoyed by people. If the choir did not respond to his direction, or if the young people were disorderly, he got angry. However, he struggled to swallow the jibes and keep his gripes to himself. But swallowing disagreeable situations is not a palatable diet; it made him a surly, scolding, defensive young man, and this spurred on his tormentors.

I had to help him realize his uncertainty over his choice of work. We weighed the pros and cons of music and looked at musicians whom he admired, and he saw that music was an honorable profession. Then it became a matter of committing his work to the Lord so his thoughts concerning it could be established (Proverbs 16:3). He went back to finish the term with a new confidence and optimism. Instead of swallowing the jibes and stewing, he let them bounce off. The teasing diminished and, to his surprise, soon died out.

After Fred began to accept himself for what he was, it became easier for him to accept others. Slowly the relationships with his students and the people at church turned into mutual appreciation. At the end of the semester, he and the school board happily signed a new contract.

[The names and certain details in this true case history have been changed to protect each person’s identity and privacy.]

[Go to Discover Inner Peace]

Being a parent starts out as a dream. Doting, expectant fathers and their pregnant wives dream about the sweet infant all cozy in pink or blue blankets with cute outfits and fun toys. With smiles in their eyes, they turn to each other and vow, “We’re going to be the best parents ever!”

Then the baby arrives. Suddenly the parents discover “the dream” yells. And smells. And spits. All at 3 a.m.

Our baby cried and often was unable to be comforted. In the early months, we slept little at night and very little during the day. My wife got up one night at about 3 a.m. for the about the fourth time! Still asleep, she picked up the little bundle and began patting her back saying, “It’s okay, honey.” To her surprise, she was holding a pillow she had taken out of the closet, and our baby was still in her bed screaming at the top of her lungs! It’s enough to make a grown man cry–or even worse. I can remember taking our squalling baby, shoving her toward my wife one night and saying, “You take it!”

It is humbling to realize that what you thought were wonderful parental instincts cannot always be counted on when you need them most. The English poet, John Wilmot, once said: “Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children; now I have six children, and no theories.”

Imagine a big man letting a tiny baby make him angry! Yet it happens all the time. Children’s antics will stir up what is in your heart. If there is anger, impatience, selfishness, meanness, malice, cruelty, or partiality in your heart, children will bring it out for display. Although it is not often considered to be a benefit of family life, children will help you stay up-to-date on your spiritual condition.

Sensible couples–and single parents–start out planning for their family to be the best ever, but then discover that the work has just begun. In all my years of counseling, I have never had one parent or set of parents come to me and say, “Well here we are, Dr. Brandt. We are bursting with mutual admiration because we’ve succeeded at reaching our goal. Our objective was to create an intolerable situation for all of us. Now we’ve done it: We have created the perfect mess we strived so hard for. We all can’t stand each other.”

Of course, people do not set such goals. Many good people start marriage and parenting with the highest of hopes and end up hopelessly at odds. The idea of personal freedom becomes their goal and marriage and parenthood become a nightmare with no apparent solution. But Jesus approached this attitude in the Bible by saying: “If anyone desires to come after Me, let him deny himself” (Luke 9:23).

The life of a parent is full of choices about how each will respond to the other parent and how he or she will respond to their children. Your attitudes and actions will be a reflection of the strength of your relationship with God. If you have a close relationship with Him, your responses will be much more Christ-like and will grow more so each day. On the other hand, your responses will be empty and selfish if you are self-centered instead of God-centered.

The opportunity for self-discovery lasts for at least twenty years. For some parents, this is good news. For most, this is a scary thought. Why? Because we may not like what we see. At the office, we can look good most of the time. At our community activities we can appear pretty much in control. But we cannot pretend twenty-four hours a day in our own home! By its very nature, parenthood will not allow us to hide the worst side of ourselves. And worse yet, we certainly would rather not see our faults mirrored in our children’s lives. The answer is repentance and seeking God’s Spirit in our lives.

Our example can have dire effects on our children. This was true for Mrs. Greene when she had the rude awakening of seeing herself in her teenage daughter. By observing her mother over the years, Laurie had learned Mrs. Greene’s means of control well. When Mrs. Greene wanted to move and her husband did not, she managed to find so much to criticize about the house that the family ended up moving.

Then after the family moved into their new home, Mr. Greene thought they could not afford new carpeting, but his wife proved they could by talking about it every day. She also talked her husband into installing an extra phone line for Laurie. Then, when Mrs. Green wanted to exchange a long-planned camping trip for a trip to a resort, she pouted until everyone else in the family came around to her view.

Mrs. Greene did not appear to be a demanding woman. Appearances aside, though, with full consciousness of her methods, she imposed her will on others, either subtly or directly.

Her now teenage daughter, Laurie, went her own way, ignoring her father and working around her mother’s dominance. Her wants were seldom out of line, so there were few conflicts … until Ray came along.

“Raymond isn’t good enough for you,” Mrs. Greene proclaimed. (Not a good opening for this discussion.)

“Why do you say that?” was Laurie’s response.

“He’s not a Christian,” her mother replied. “And he’ll never hold down a decent job.” (Not a good continuing remark.)

“But we love each other,” insisted Laurie.

Her persuasion ineffective, Mrs. Green flatly told Laurie that she was not to see Ray anymore.

“But I will! I will!” screamed Laurie.

And Laurie did. Mrs. Greene brought to bear every device she had ever used to control a situation. She cried, she threatened, she went to bed with headaches, she tried shaming Laurie, and she told Ray she did not approve of Him. But Laurie refused to budge.

Mrs. Greene asked her husband for help. But long ago he had learned to be neutral.

Then Mrs. Greene came for counseling, asking me to make Laurie see the error of her way.

After I heard the story, I told Mrs. Green, “You seem to have forgotten the truth of God’s Word, which says: ‘Do not be deceived, God is not mocked; for whatever a man sows, that he will also reap.’”

“You have trained your daughter well by your example of getting what you want, in any way that it takes to get it. When Laurie stubbornly resists, you are seeing yourself in your daughter. Because you have molded her, only God can break that mold. You will just have to wait to see if He does this in spite of the foundation that has already been laid.”

I also explained to Mrs. Greene that parenting through intimidation and manipulation is not an appropriate means of guiding a child. By this time, Laurie should have known that it was not a good choice for her to date a man who was not a Christian.

Rather than trying to manipulate her daughter, Mrs. Greene could have lovingly taken her daughter to the Word of God and shown her how this could not have been the will of God for her to be unequally yoked with an unbeliever. However, this ground work needed to have been laid long ago.

Teen years do not sneak up on a parent. It takes a child thirteen years to become a teenager. Thirteen years is a long time, and the relationship established between parents and children in the earlier years will determine whether or not the teen is prepared to make choices that are based on godly examples and principles.

God will have touched the heart of parents many times to pray for their children in those thirteen years. Sadly, many parents do not take the time to pray for their children until the children are adults. And prayerlessness will leave its mark. Parents who have prayerfully worked together as a team will have established a foundation of good communication between themselves and with their child. God will be at the center of their family, if He is at the center of the life of each parent.

By the time a child reaches the teen years, his parents will have had ample time to develop some firm convictions about the need to train, correct, and supervise. On the other hand, if parents remained divided on these issues, a teen’s growing resistance to limits will bring these uncertainties and division to light.

Teenagers will not respect parents who lack conviction or are unable to agree on decisions related to the child. The good news is that all hope is not lost when parents do not find resolve until the child reaches the teen years. God can answer prayers and intervene, and it is possible for parents to regain the respect and cooperation of their children if they begin to demonstrate their conviction to abide by what they have determined is best for each child.

Serious parents do not wake up in the morning planning to make their child’s life miserable! No, it does not work that way. When the alarm goes off, it is just the opposite. “Today will be different,” the mother vows.” It will be a great day. No screaming, no impatient orders, no arguing.”

As Mom is making her vow, a situation is developing in the hall outside the bathroom. Her son is beating on the door.”Hey, you’ve been tying up the bathroom for half an hour. Do you think you’re the only one who has go to school?”

“Oh, shut up!” comes the answer from his sister. “If you want to use the bathroom, why don’t you go down in the basement and use the bathroom down there?”

And so the argument continues, with both of them yelling from their own side of the door.

Mom comes on the scene and finds herself in the middle of a battle. Several screams, protests, and mutterings later, she has settled the controversy, but now she is irritated and upset. Yet only minutes before, she had vowed that this would be a perfect day.

Often the same happens for the well-intentioned Dad. Just before he pulls into the driveway as he comes home from work, he vows, “Tonight I’m not going to be a grouch. Tonight I’m going to have fun with the family.”

Suddenly, in spite of his many lectures, he finds that his pathway to the garage is blocked by two bicycles parked in the driveway.

He parks the car halfway in the driveway and halfway in the street. Leaving the engine running, he abruptly gets out of the car and runs toward the house. He is hardly in the front door before he is after everyone in sight, “How many times do I have to tell you? Get those bicycles out of the driveway!

Dad is out of control. He continues yelling, turning on his wife. Without one loving gesture or question, he lays into her as well. “I thought I made it clear that bicycles should not be parked in the driveway.” And the fight is on.

But it does not have to be this way! There is a reason for this behavior and a solution. The answer is found in the Bible. This may be a source you have previously rejected.

What you really want for yourself–joy, peace, love, unselfishness, kindness–is described in the Bible as God’s will for you! Yet, everyone misses the mark. This is described in Romans 7:19-20: “For the good that I will to do, I do not do; but the evil I will not to do, that I practice. Now if I do what I will not to do, it is not longer I would do it, but sin that dwells in me.”

Did I use the wrong word? It is an ugly word in a sense. Before you dismiss it, though, think for a minute. Even though you may not like the word sin, it is an accurate description of the cause of the problems we have been addressing.

It is important to note here that other people’s behaviors do not excuse our own sin. Our own peace of mind is not dependent upon someone else’s choices, behavior, or moods. Each one of us needs to have our lives and wills united with Christ. Without Him we will find ourselves powerless to exude joy, peace, and gentleness in the face of disagreements, bathroom fights, bicycles in the driveway, and crying babies.

God’s Word describes and proclaims our need for the Savior and for a personal and intimate relationship with Him. We were not designed to live a contented life apart from Him. Each one of us needs Him at the center of our lives. Marriage and parenthood clearly reveal our desperate need for Him.

God has a plan to save you from yourself, from your sin. You have everything to gain and nothing to lose from Him. This is what you are yearning for. Let God give you what He has promised. Your reactions toward your family will change when you have hidden yourself in Him, allowed Him to hear you, and prayed for Him to reveal to you the deep roots of sin that you cannot see by yourself.

The Bible describes the problem and its cause, but it also spells out a solution “O wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? I thank God–through Jesus Christ our Lord!” (Romans 7:24-25).

This is a name that sometimes makes people see red–Jesus Christ. They may mistakenly associate Him with unreasonable demands, punishment, or guilt. But the reality is that Jesus Christ came to give us life! “For God did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world, but that the world through him might be saved” (John 3:17).

Jesus said: “I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through Me” (John 14:6).

We must start by recognizing that we have sinned. We agree with God that our sins have separated us from Him. Then we must trust Jesus as our own personal Savior and confess our sins to God. We must then repent of these sins. Confessing is acknowledging our sin; repenting means we have a changed mind. We have determined that our lives will be changed and we have a plan and resolve to live differently.

Why settle for anything less? God can change your reactions to life. He can give you the resources you need to have a truly abundant life. As you spend time with Him, He will reveal deep areas of sin in your heart and life that you need to confess and turn from. When this happens or when you see you have not responded in a way that He would respond, repent and ask God to change you. Thank Him for His wonderful mercy, grace and love. He will give you joy and peace as you parent!

“… present yourselves to God …”

Sometimes it seems as though a long-lasting marriage is determined by chance or circumstances or just plain old luck. However, there are some steps that will enable you to establish your marriage on a solid foundation that will help you stay in it for the long haul. Taking this series of steps will bring your life into continuous subjection to the will of God. If you do not know Jesus Christ as your Savior, consider seeking someone out today who can show you how to know Him personally. Then follow these steps (and repeat as necessary!):

1. Evaluate your behavior

2. Accept your condition

3. Receive forgiveness from God

4. Surrender to the power of God

Evaluate Your Behavior

Before you can solve a problem, you must first find out what the problem is. We live in an orderly world. It operates according to definite, dependable laws. For example, we take care to make allowance for the law of gravity. A dear, elderly gentleman put up a ladder to do some work on his roof, but he placed it so that it was crooked. When he climbed up the ladder, it began to slide. He fell and broke his hip. Here was a man, a devout Christian, who was careless about observing the law of gravity. He fell just as the worst criminal would have fallen if he had gone up the ladder.

People take the laws of friction into account. A student took a curve in the road too fast on an icy day. His car went end over end, and he came out of the wreckage with a battered head. He had ignored the laws of friction. He did not do this intentionally. He was not deliberately reckless. Yet the same thing happened to him as would have happened to the most reckless of drivers.

All of us know the importance of abiding by the laws of gravity and friction. These laws have been gathered and catalogued in books. As we study them, we learn what to expect if we abide by them and what to expect if we violate them.

The laws of human behavior are likewise gathered together in a Book–the Bible. To understand why people behave as they do and to understand why you behave as you do, you must understand the laws contained in the Bible. Paul wrote in 1 Timothy 3:16-17, “All Scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness, that the man of God may be complete, thoroughly equipped for every good work.”

The cause of inner unrest, conflict between people, and separation from God is because people live in violation of the laws found in the Bible. Isaiah 59:1-2 says, “Behold, the Lord’s hand is not shortened, that it cannot save; nor His ear heavy, that it cannot hear. But your iniquities have separated you from your God; and your sins have hidden His face from you, so that He will not hear.” Deliberately or in ignorance, we reap the results of violating God’s laws, just as we reap the results of friction or gravity.

To understand the cause of inner unrest, conflict with people, and separation from God is to understand the effect of sin. To understand God’s solution is to understand the preventatives that keep us from sinning.

Paul wrote in the New Testament, “Indeed, I do not understand what I do, for I do not practice what I want to do, but I am always doing what I hate. But if I am always doing what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is right. Now really it is not I that am doing these things; but it is sin which has its home within me. For I know that nothing good has its home in me; that is, in my lower self; I have the will but not the power to do what is right. Indeed, I do not do the good things that I want to do. But if I do the things that I do not want to do, it is really not I that am doing these things, but it is sin which has its home within me. So I find this law: When I want to do right, the wrong is always in my way. For in accordance with my better inner nature I approve God’s law, but I see another power operating my lower nature in conflict with the power operated by my reason, which makes me a prisoner to the power of sin which is operating in my lower nature.” (Romans 7:15-23)

To illustrate, a student tells of his experience. Night after night, before he retired, he determined that he would go through the next day with a wholesome, positive reaction toward circumstances and people. One morning, he was particularly determined to have a good day. He left his room, raced for the elevator, and just as he got there the door closed. He was forced to wait a few minutes. When he did get on the elevator, another passenger accidentally stepped on his foot. He walked away very aware that he was annoyed at both incidents in spite of his determination to react in a wholesome, kindly way toward all such happenings.

A mother of two preschool children tells of her struggle with her attitude toward her children. Two specific tasks that faced her daily caused her much annoyance. She hated herself for it, but no amount of determination, willpower, or good intentions could give her control over her annoyance at feeding picky children or dealing with their fusses. Granted, these are trying tasks, but the point here is that this woman was unable to achieve the desired attitude toward these tasks.

All of us, sooner or later, find ourselves doing, saying, feeling, or thinking in a way that is distasteful to us. And all of us, sooner or later, find ourselves not doing, saying, feeling, or thinking as we would like. All of these behaviors–or lack of them–are sin. And often these behaviors come from within us and feel as though they are beyond our control. To recognize and accept this fact is the first step toward a solution to the problem.

Most often we are angry when we are responding to the actions or attitudes of others. Anger, bitterness, wrath, pride, and hate are reactions to circumstances. These reactions may be invisible and can often be concealed to those around us, but not to God. We tend to overemphasize the value and importance of outward behavior and to minimize–or fail to realize–the importance given in the Bible to inward behavior.

In Galatians, Paul tells us, “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. Against such there is no law.”

Again, these are inward, invisible qualities. You can act this way in your own strength, at least part of the time; but you can’t genuinely be this way without the power of the indwelling Holy Spirit. If you doubt it, just pay attention to your inner responses to people or circumstances for one week.

Accept Your Condition

It is easy and common to find a reason outside of yourself that keeps you from loving your neighbor as yourself. It seems reasonable that missing an elevator, getting a toe stepped on, feeding picky children and dealing with their fusses, associating with people who have undesirable habits, or living with an uncooperative wife or husband are justifiable reasons for being unhappy. Under such circumstances anger, wrath, malice, bitterness, and resentment seem normal.

This reasoning seems to be sound. However, the Bible calls such reactions sinful. In other words, these circumstances are not putting these reactions into you; they are bringing these reactions out of you.

Jesus said, “Are you also still without understanding? Do you not yet understand that whatever enters the mouth goes into the stomach and is eliminated? But those things which proceed out of the mouth come from the heart, and they defile a man. For out of the heart proceed evil thoughts, murders, adulteries, fornications, thefts, false witness, blasphemies.” (Matthew 15:16-19)

Many people find this to be a shocking idea. It seems clear that the circumstances or the other person is the cause of their distress. It is hard to accept that their distress is a response to the circumstance or person.

The answer is that you can find peace and contentment without changing your circumstances or the people in your life. To do so involves recognizing that the situation you are in is not causing your distress. You must accept or acknowledge personal responsibility for your distress, for your sin.

You need a power outside yourself if you are to respond differently the next time you find yourself in a trying circumstance. You must accept personal responsibility without reservation. Dependence and faith in willpower, resolutions, insight, and/or determination are not the answer. A lingering thought that another person must be at least a little bit to blame is not the answer.

Many people prefer to find a reason for justifying anger, wrath, malice, envy, and similar emotions rather than finding freedom from them. They seek to change the circumstance or the person rather than to search for a source of peace, joy and comfort in the circumstance or with the person.

For example, consider a young man who had habits that his mother believed were bad. The mother kept insisting that her misery was caused by her son’s behavior. Accordingly, this mother felt quite clear in her own mind that the solution to her problem was to see a change in her son. Further, this woman believed that, being a Christian, she should not be agreeable toward her son lest she seem to be giving her blessing on his unacceptable habits. She was being a good Christian, she thought, by being angry and impatient with her son. The son, in turn, felt quite justified in being bitter, rebellious, hostile, and stubborn. He would not give in if it killed him. If there was a source of strength that would enable him to have a spirit of love, tenderness, gentleness, and compassion toward his mother, he would turn away from it. He insisted that his mother was the cause of these reactions.

The woman who had the task of teaching two small children how to eat right and how to stop fussing preferred to be annoyed. According to her, you should be annoyed at such a job. There is nothing wrong with being impatient with such a task. It is quite normal to be disgusted, tense, and dissatisfied at the end of the day. The children are the cause of these reactions. In her opinion, being a Christian has no bearing on the matter.

Many Christians find comfort in speaking of nerves, tension, anxiety, or stress–any term but sin. Many Christians feel that they have long ago settled the matter of living in sin. They are saved. They are sanctified.

But remember our definition of sin! “Whoever commits sin also commits lawlessness” (1 John 3:4).

If it applies, then it applies. It matters not who you are, how much responsibility you have, what your status is, or who your family is. You may have been trained to believe that to grin and bear it, even though you are seething inside, is evidence of piety; to speak in a well-modulated voice, even though you feel like screaming, is a mark of culture; to perform the task assigned, even though you rebel inwardly, is evidence of determination. Such behavior is surely to be expected from a social standpoint. However, from a personal standpoint, you benefit nothing. Your inward reaction is evidence of sinfulness.

You have seen that acceptance of your condition implies accepting personal responsibility without reservation. If you feel that you can and will conquer your circumstances, then you are not yet ready to accept the tendency to sin. It is best for you to try yourself. Expose yourself to your circumstances and pay attention to your inner reactions and your outward actions. Acceptance means that you are convinced beyond the shadow of a doubt that you are subject to your tendency to sin and that this causes you to react the way you do not want to react–and prevents you from reacting in a way that you would like to react. This applies to thoughts, feelings, desires, actions, or speech. These must be identified in detail and dealt with separately. Acceptance or acknowledgment of the presence of sin in your life opens the way for you to avail yourself of a better way of life as defined by Paul: “For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus has made me free from the law of sin and death” (Romans 8:2).

Receive Forgiveness from God

Christ died to make forgiveness available to us: “In Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of sins, according to the riches of His grace” (Ephesians 1:7).

You may have noticed that acceptance of your tendency to sin is often a difficult step to take. Seeking forgiveness is an even more difficult step to take. To ask for forgiveness implies repentance and a willingness to forsake sins. Isaiah 55:7 teaches, “Let the wicked forsake his way, and the unrighteous man his thoughts; Let him return to the LORD, And He will have mercy on him; And to our God, For He will abundantly pardon.”

Many people insist that a period of depression, self-condemnation, sadness, remorse, or weeping is evidence of repentance. In Quebec, one can see people climb five hundred cathedral steps on their knees in evidence of repentance. In India, a man may be lying on a bed of spikes. It is true that conviction of sin causes some people to react emotionally or to show evidence of repentance. However, true repentance is not found in the emotion or the action. It is, rather, being truly sorry enough for sin to hate and forsake it. Repentance involves following God’s plan and believing His Word.

1 John 1:9 says “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.”

The simplicity of receiving forgiveness is hard to accept. Nothing is required of you apart from acceptance of your sinfulness and of God’s forgiveness on His terms, not yours. This must be done from the heart. There is no other way. You must be completely sincere. You will not find forgiveness until you are convinced that you need it.

Yes, acceptance of your tendency to sin, confession of specific sins, and seeking forgiveness are contrary to our normal way of doing things. But the next step–surrender to the power of God–is the hardest of all to accept.

Surrender To the Power of God

At first glance, it would seem that to submit to the strength and power of God is something that everyone would gladly do. However, many people find this the hardest step of all to take. As Paul expresses it, “Our sufficiency is from God” (2 Corinthians 3:5).

Our human nature tends to rebel against accepting any kind of weakness or insufficiency. Even if you acknowledge the failures of your past, you may be unwilling to acknowledge your inability to please God in the future. We all tend to feel that since we understand the reason for our past failures, we can now do better. We tend to seek the answer to our sinfulness in two ways: to repent for past sins and to retain confidence in ourselves not to repeat past sins. We tend to retain our faith in our own self-discipline, willpower, training, and self-sacrifice.

To surrender to God means we must commit ourselves to a lifetime study of His will for every detail of our lives. It means recognizing our inability to do His will apart from His power and our need to submit to Him daily for His power.

Colossians 1:10-11 teaches us, “…that you may walk worthy of the Lord, fully pleasing Him, being fruitful in every good work and increasing in the knowledge of God; strengthened with all might, according to His glorious power, for all patience and longsuffering with joy.”

To surrender to God involves a clear, definite yielding of one’s self completely to God, followed by day-by-day experience of that surrender. Note Paul’s words: “And do not present your members as instruments of unrighteousness to sin, but present yourselves to God as being alive from the dead, and your members as instruments of righteousness to God” (Romans 6:13).

This is a matter of the will. Ephesians 5:18 instructs us to “Be filled with the Spirit.” Here is the secret of God’s power–the Holy Spirit expressing Himself through us! He works in us only as we let Him.

A young woman was married to a man who refused to give her spending money. This disturbed her to the extent that she was always feeling sorry for herself and was angry with her husband. She went to an older woman in the church who was known to be a calm, peaceful soul. The older woman said to the younger one: “Let me tell you my story. My husband keeps all the money. He seldom pays any attention to my opinion. Now that the children are married, he gives most of his time to them and has no room for me in his life. This has gone on for thirty years. It will probably go on as long as I live. All these years I have prayed daily for patience and every day God answers my prayer.”

This man’s behavior is totally selfish and another whole topic of discussion. But the point here is that his wife surrendered her unhappiness and frustration to God and found daily grace and strength to continue to love him. To surrender to God is to bring each circumstance of life to Him and receive from Him the strength to face it by His Spirit. It is one thing to make a broad, thoughtless statement that you will submit to God and another thing to surrender each detail of life to Him.

When you are impatient, you lack patience; when you are unhappy, you lack joy; when you are tense and anxious, you lack peace. You must continuously go to the source of supply. Comfort, mercy, grace, peace, joy, patience, and longsuffering with joyfulness will be yours only when you recognize that you lack them and when you let God give them to you.

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Every night he has a decision to make. Either he will simply leave his car parked in the driveway, or he will back her car out of the carport, move it over, and drive his in. According to him, you see, his whole demeanor, peace of mind, and joy depends upon a choice that his wife initially makes.

Is this true?

This man believes he is at the mercy of his wife’s choices. He is unhappily aware of the fact that she knows what he wants, and won’t do it.

When you know that someone won’t do something that is important to you, you have some options. You can accept the person for who they are or you can resent that person, become bitter, and dwell on the fact that there is something this person isn’t doing that you want them to do, which can ruin your relationship.

A lady was telling me about her husband who knew how she expected him to dress. Time and again, when they went to a gathering where most of the men would wear ties, he would come prancing out of the house in a sport shirt. This upset her, but he always said, “Calm down honey, it’s alright.”

He was an extrovert, one of those hand-shaking, back-slapping, loud people. She was quiet and shy, and it always annoyed her when he acted that way. It got so she could hardly stand him. This man had many wonderful qualities, but he was loud, a back slapper, and insisted on wearing a sport shirt.

He realized that she was upset, and decided to do something nice for her. He said, “Honey, let’s go on a Caribbean cruise.”

A cruise ship out on the Caribbean Sea in the moonlight does sound great, doesn’t it? She liked the idea and figured the change in scenery would be good for their relationship. What kind of a situation could you possibly get into that would be more likely to bring the best out of you than being on a cruise ship in the Caribbean Sea in the moonlight?

The first night they were on board the cruise ship, he comes bursting out of the state room in a sport shirt! She thought he should have worn a tie, but he didn’t. They headed for the deck to socialize with some of the other passengers. Her husband was the same hand-shaking, back-slapping, loud, joking person he was at home.

She told me, “You, know, I discovered something about me that night. I was my same nasty self in the Caribbean as I was at home.” This was a startling discovery to her, that her inner life did not depend on her circumstances!

If you really want to be free, if you want to live a life of joy, you need to be aware of the other people in your life. Every person has an agreeable side. But everyone also has that other side, that part of their personality that is annoying. Often what divides us is that we are antagonistically aware of the annoyances of other people. And if we’re honest with ourselves, frequently the issues do not really amount to much.

Here is the key point: Your response to life is not determined by people and circumstances.

There is a key concept that can help us with this critical point. The apostle Paul wrote in 1 Corinthians 3:1, “I could not speak unto you as unto spiritual, but as unto carnal.” This word from the King James version of the Bible is a significant word to understand: carnal. Carnality, Paul says includes “envy, strife, and divisions” (verse 3 of the same chapter). In other words, if there is envy of any kind, you are annoyed, disgruntled, and/or jealous over someone else’s success, opportunity, or wealth. Carnality includes strife, wrangling, scrapping, fighting, disagreeing, and unresolved issues.

Which are you: carnal or spiritual? Carnal–a life characterized by envy, arguing, quarreling, striving, and unresolved conflicts; or spiritual–a person filled with the spirit of God and a life filled with love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, and self-control (as described in Galatians 5: 2-23)?

The people in the opening stories of this article are carnal. They may believe in Jesus Christ, but they have not allowed His Spirit to change them. They still want to have things their own way! In Ephesians 4:31-32, Paul tells us to “Let all bitterness, and wrath and anger, and clamor, and evil speaking, be put away from you.”

Isaiah 59:1-2 instructs us: “The Lord’s hand is not shortened that it cannot save; neither His ear heavy, that it cannot hear. But your iniquities have separated between you and your God, and your sins have hid His face from you, that He will not hear.”

There are times when people cry out to God and He doesn’t seem to hear, and sometimes it is because they are not approaching Him on His terms. What is it that separates you from God? You might have tried to contact Him and it seems like you can’t get in touch with Him. It is important for us to realize that we do not get in touch with God by telling Him about somebody else, but by telling Him about ourselves!

Isaiah 53:6 begins with, “All we like sheep have gone astray; we have turned everyone to his own way.”

This was the difficulty with the people in the stories above. The man said, “Park your car to the side.” His wife said, “I will park it where I please.” The lady said, “Please wear a tie.” Her husband said, “I won’t.”

You see how true the Bible is! What is this dilemma? What is it that divides people? All of us, like sheep, have gone astray. All of us. We have gone, everyone, where? Unto our own way. Isn’t this the sweetest music to anyone’s ears, “Let’s do it my way!”? This is the predicament: when we put two or more people together, it becomes a contest. I want my way versus your way.

The rest of the verse in Isaiah says, “And the Lord hath laid on Him, the iniquity of us all.”

What is the iniquity of us all? It is this strong drive in every person to have things their own way!

So the first step in experiencing true freedom is to come to grips with the fact that you have a tendency to go your own way. There is actually a great deal of hope in this, because you can admit to your own desire to want things your own way.

This is why you need a Savior. You need to be saved from yourself, to be saved from having to have your own way. You need Jesus Christ in your life. Jesus said, “Behold, I stand at the door and knock: if any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come in to him, and will sup with him, and he with me” (Revelation 3:20).

Why do you need to invite Jesus Christ to come into your life? So He can correct the tendency in you to have it your own way. Until this is corrected, any little thing you do not like about someone else can ruin your relationship. The preparation for being a free individual, free from other people’s choices, decisions, and actions, is to come to grips with this tendency in your life. How do you do this? By admitting that you want things your own way, inviting Jesus Christ to come into your life, and then asking God to forgive you and give you the power to be able to live freely. Then, and only then, will you be able to begin the journey to getting along well with others.

When you invite Jesus into your life, He gives you the ability to accept the people in your life for who they are. This includes their positive qualities as well as their weaknesses. Contentment is a quality God will give you and His contentment does not depend upon the perfect behavior of one of your friends, your spouse, or your children. True contentment comes from God.